am not sure what to write anymore..
whether the feelings should be poured out here..
also i dont know..
the feeling of suddenly knowing that you are the culprit.
that have hurts most of the people you've love.
couldnt be any tougher to go thru..
life apparently has been really challenging..
the thoughts of injustice and how hurtful your heart is.. really has made my day turns gloomy and blue. oh yeah. like this afternoon..
why? i may ask.. how come those words have really eaten me alive?
how come.. if it's true, how come i didnt realise it sooner...
how come things got really complicated?
how come, INCIDENTS like this happened in every 2-3 years?
Astaghfirullah.. Husna.. you are talking like a person with no faith nor religion. you have the ultimate guidance, sebaik-baik pelindung, sebaik-baik tempat mengadu..
mengadu la PADA DIA.. sesungguhnya apa yang terjadi ini adalah cara atau kifarah untuk menggugur kan dosa2 ko.. ingat kan??
thought of writing more.. lengthy than this.. but.. the mood is like on off on off..
so.. i will jotted down one last phrase to keep reminding myself about it!!!
verily, with every difficulty, there is relief
ALLAH repeated twice in the same surah.. must have meant something...
Saturday, March 5, 2011
am not sure what to write anymore..
Posted by unana at 1:34 AM
Thursday, December 30, 2010
it's 2:36am. and i'm still wide awake.. eyes wide open.. and brain still functioning (tho i'm not sure how well it is spinning!)
a lot of things.. i would like to pour out of my chest and hoping that tomorrow i wake up with a fresher-no-problems/issues transpired in my head.. at times i do longing for a amnesia syndrome so that i can forget everything that ever happened. or like a switch where i can practically switch on or off button or just change the synaptic cord whenever my mind bewildered to remember all those nasty, tragic stuffs that had happened especially for the last few weeks..
but.. the thing is.. i regret the most.. i'm not a Good Muslim.. and frankly.. i didnt work things out to make me a better Muslim. instead, i'm jotting this frustration and anger down on this pad.. should i be on the sejadah or something???
then.. come me as a person! i've changed.. totally 180 degree.. to become a person i never knew i am able to become.. like:
1. i stopped doing house chores once i know my bro and sis are at home.
2. i become soooo negative e.g: everything that i touched end up turning into craps!
3. i swears alot lately..
4. i lost half of the optimistic feeling of mine.. (thanks GOD i can be over-optimist, so at least i still have a good half of it!)
5. i stopped care... almost about everything...
6. i made reasons .. way too many reasons... most of the time..
7. i become so uncertain on what ever decision that i'm taking..
8. i stopped thinking clearly..
9. Self-hatred are sooooo common nowadays..
10. Losing focus.. and this has almost kill me...
then.. my body start to react negatively.. started to work against the nature of things. and started to rebel against my own actions (sound wacko! yeap!)...
i know the symptoms are there already.. but how can i stop? i cant! not at the moment and at the point of time, where i've created a lot of craps already...
lucky i didnt straight away black-out.. what happened was crazy!
need to remind myself that:
1. table-top are not a very steady options for you to rely on, when you are trying to focus on what people are asking you.
2. you can hear a lot of noises .. altho people are throwing crucial questions about your stuffs! and u need to dance thru the waltz..
3. U can be good at acting.. by trying not to fall..
4. you cannot sit on the floor of a QA place
5. make sure.. when it's time to lie down, u lie down..
6. Always remember.. if you started to feel uneasy and suddenly your body is shivering like mad! it means that u are having a fever!
7. Have guts to call for help, especially to call home FOR HELP!
8. u cannot pull the hand-pallet on your own back and forth..
9. take a deep breath when you started feeling a tight sense on your chest!
10. AND... IF YOU ARE MAD ENOUGH TO DRIVE UNDER SOME OF THE SYMPTOMS YOU ARE EXPERIENCING.. YOU ARE GOING TO BE A MURDERER!
yeap.. 2011 is coming. and this incoming of a new year.. are not in a very comforting way. one after another trials come.. and you started to experience and coping on how to loss your love ones.. be it a long-lost cousin that you are so determine to help and you just found them back after almost 10 years of losing them..
or when you received the news of your grandpa, your only grandfather that you have known might be laying on his deathbed..
then.. u start wondering...
1. How come my body give in so much..
2. How come my mind also give up and started to become malfunction as well...
3. How come... all this while you never realise it..
4. How come.. you are not the same person who wrote the notes more that a year ago, saying 'when people pushed me into the ravine, i will be and can climb back up the side of it, and stand tall'
and you wonder:
5. Is this what you want...
i am losing lot of people recently.. being a mentor, a friend.. started to create some uneasiness in the profesional relationship.. hmmmph.. whining? pretty much..
i know.. there's a lot of words.. words of wisdom.. motivational quotes that i would like to jotted it down on this pad also.. and i know for sure.. i can write a lot more to counter attack what i've just written as per above.. and i bet i know what to do already for now..
it's just.. i'm too cautious to make another mistake again.. i'm too scared to face the reality.. cause reality do bite...
Posted by unana at 10:36 AM
Thursday, October 21, 2010
bila saya dgr lagu-lagu meruntun hati nie, cepat sangat hati saya melayang2..
menjelma diingatan bila mana saya menarik bag, di tengah2 KLIA yg sunyi.. depan departure gate..
i'll be walking alone and on my own, with the boarding pass in my hand..
and waiting for the announcement to be heard from the surround system of speakers around the area..
it has ALWAYS been a dream to just pack and go..
to just leave everything behind..
something inside of me just dying to go and run far far far away..
just to see the world, before it's too late..
just to see how's the other side looks like..
nothing more that i can say..
yes.. i'm broken and hopelessly helpless..
those words are like a poison dagger that manage to leave an unhealed bruise thru my heart.. works like a curse encrypting my veins and cords..
am i really cant get myself back up?
i am totally in denial if i kept saying that i'm ok, altho for the fact is.. i am not.
i truly love what i am doing.. but then again why is it so hard to at least accomplish? let alone .. excel in it..
where has the drivers, motivation, the energy, the chi, the yin yang of things have gone? where is it? really i wonder.. it's been a month..
not that i'm NOT trying to gather all the strength back, not that i'm not trying to get back up.. but after all that happened i cant seems to go for it anymore..
i cant seems to climb back the sloppy ravine that i've been pushed into..
it's all my fault..
i cant blame anyone else..
i just want to smile again.. sincerely..
i just want to let myself know that i can manage it!
i just want to excel in whatever that i am doing..
entahlah.. i know for the fact that i am nobody...
the only thing left is ... this optimistic feeling of mine..
i just want to fly off...
Posted by unana at 7:23 AM
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
why is it so hard for this little heart of mine, to just leave it as it is..
why is it so hard for me to just drop it and make the best out of it..
the harder i try not to make reason for it, the more i've being pushed into making it.
the more i felt i'm reaching the vertical limit..
the more i've being pulled down by an indescribable forces..
the more i try to let go, the more attached i am to it..
i hate this feeling.. i hate myself for this..
i know that now, that it IS YOU who decide on what we are going to do..
i know that i can surrender at times, and will try further to make amendment in terms of that. but why is it so hard, just to give in for a chance.
why i think like crazy and then we went like crazy for another issues that made a maniac out of me..
i remember i used to find a reason to just rise back..
i remember i overcome even the most devastating time of one life.
this is very minor.. why is it sooooo hard..
maybe it's because of the past sin i've done..
GOD, FORGIVE ME..
i couldnt think anymore.. i was at the weakest point..
the thing that is so simple, and i've manage to make it a bit hard in terms of that.
the thing i hate the most, is the thing i love the most..
i never am a quitter, that's for sure..
it's just at the very vulnerable moment.. i felt like a total failure.. =(
Posted by unana at 8:16 AM
Thursday, April 29, 2010
sometimes in life u just have to think.. think hard until your head explode...
Posted by unana at 3:03 PM
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
i've no idea why..
Posted by unana at 6:50 AM
Monday, February 15, 2010
what did i do on a 2-days public holiday?? nothing...
Posted by unana at 4:24 AM