giving in... literally..

it's 2:36am. and i'm still wide awake.. eyes wide open.. and brain still functioning (tho i'm not sure how well it is spinning!)

a lot of things.. i would like to pour out of my chest and hoping that tomorrow i wake up with a fresher-no-problems/issues transpired in my head.. at times i do longing for a amnesia syndrome so that i can forget everything that ever happened. or like a switch where i can practically switch on or off button or just change the synaptic cord whenever my mind bewildered to remember all those nasty, tragic stuffs that had happened especially for the last few weeks..

but.. the thing is.. i regret the most.. i'm not a Good Muslim.. and frankly.. i didnt work things out to make me a better Muslim. instead, i'm jotting this frustration and anger down on this pad.. should i be on the sejadah or something???

then.. come me as a person! i've changed.. totally 180 degree.. to become a person i never knew i am able to become.. like:
1. i stopped doing house chores once i know my bro and sis are at home.
2. i become soooo negative e.g: everything that i touched end up turning into craps!
3. i swears alot lately..
4. i lost half of the optimistic feeling of mine.. (thanks GOD i can be over-optimist, so at least i still have a good half of it!)
5. i stopped care... almost about everything...
6. i made reasons .. way too many reasons... most of the time..
7. i become so uncertain on what ever decision that i'm taking..
8. i stopped thinking clearly..
9. Self-hatred are sooooo common nowadays..
10. Losing focus.. and this has almost kill me...

then.. my body start to react negatively.. started to work against the nature of things. and started to rebel against my own actions (sound wacko! yeap!)...
i know the symptoms are there already.. but how can i stop? i cant! not at the moment and at the point of time, where i've created a lot of craps already...
lucky i didnt straight away black-out.. what happened was crazy!
need to remind myself that:
1. table-top are not a very steady options for you to rely on, when you are trying to focus on what people are asking you.
2. you can hear a lot of noises .. altho people are throwing crucial questions about your stuffs! and u need to dance thru the waltz..
3. U can be good at acting.. by trying not to fall..
4. you cannot sit on the floor of a QA place
5. make sure.. when it's time to lie down, u lie down..
6. Always remember.. if you started to feel uneasy and suddenly your body is shivering like mad! it means that u are having a fever!
7. Have guts to call for help, especially to call home FOR HELP!
8. u cannot pull the hand-pallet on your own back and forth..
9. take a deep breath when you started feeling a tight sense on your chest!
10. AND... IF YOU ARE MAD ENOUGH TO DRIVE UNDER SOME OF THE SYMPTOMS YOU ARE EXPERIENCING.. YOU ARE GOING TO BE A MURDERER!

yeap.. 2011 is coming. and this incoming of a new year.. are not in a very comforting way. one after another trials come.. and you started to experience and coping on how to loss your love ones.. be it a long-lost cousin that you are so determine to help and you just found them back after almost 10 years of losing them..
or when you received the news of your grandpa, your only grandfather that you have known might be laying on his deathbed..

then.. u start wondering...
1. How come my body give in so much..
2. How come my mind also give up and started to become malfunction as well...
3. How come... all this while you never realise it..
4. How come.. you are not the same person who wrote the notes more that a year ago, saying 'when people pushed me into the ravine, i will be and can climb back up the side of it, and stand tall'

and you wonder:

5. Is this what you want...

i am losing lot of people recently.. being a mentor, a friend.. started to create some uneasiness in the profesional relationship.. hmmmph.. whining? pretty much..

i know.. there's a lot of words.. words of wisdom.. motivational quotes that i would like to jotted it down on this pad also.. and i know for sure.. i can write a lot more to counter attack what i've just written as per above.. and i bet i know what to do already for now..
it's just.. i'm too cautious to make another mistake again.. i'm too scared to face the reality.. cause reality do bite...