evry downside has its own upside..

it was a rough week..

i brokedown, feeling like just flying off somewhere...

it all started when i have to cancel my half-day leave on the day my friends were gathering taking pictures all over ukm and deliberately post it on facebook...

not that it's their fault but... it was supposed to be my moment too.

i was supposed to be in the pic with them..

i was supposed to go gedix2 with them.. i was supposed to be there...

at first i couldnt care less, i thought.. things need to be sacrifice as it was my responsibility...

then.. i found out that it was a STUPID mistake done by someone..

and as that day went by, by 5pm i feel like exploding already...

something inside wanna come out but i wasnt sure what it was...

i was shivering, trying to hold the anger within me..

i have to fight myself to withheld my tears..

to cope with this i bought a cake... just to make me feel much better..

things couldnt get any worse..

everything was just pouring in and i acted as if i couldnt see it coming...

although i already knew..

somewhere during this week, i was like a lost child trying to figure out ways thru the jungle.

every turn i made, i bang into a tree, i saw dead end..

and a part of my brain component called decision-maker has malfunctioned.

worst still = i have to take the blame.. i have to swallow everything... and not being able to explain the whole situation..

i was so broken, that i went to sleep by the tasik shah alam.

i was so broken that i sat on the kitchen floor, crying not knowing what to do or say.

everything i touched or just being involved resulting in a piece of craps..

like a jinx.. and suwey like that...

and working around people who seem to have answers to everything = did not bright up the day.

and seeing that only when your superiors were around, then only your boat can sailed smoothly, as if you're useless and couldnt seem to move the boat on your own, made matters worst! =(

but the aftermath....

suddenly.. i feel like 'hey, it's ok. at least u made it thru in one piece'..

the last day of the week, i couldnt care less. the day was so alive and lovely, that i was just smiling all day long. i dont give a damn of what people said, i was being myself...

as sudden as it came up to me, it goes away so rapidly also..

there's a sudden gush of feeling that invented itself inside me, that tells me.. not to be afraid anymore. not to have this negative issues anymore... just go try to bang into those tree and u'll learnt how to avoid it the next time you're in the area. there's a spirit within so eager to take whatever challenges served that i could just said 'sir, can i do the technical release the next time around?' ... =)?

all seems not too scary anymore.. whatever heartache or bruises or cuts i got, heals on their own.

the only thing i'm uncertain is my intra-relationship with people close by.. (but, i figure it out later!)

i got a chance to shift things up, although i'm not so sure whether it's too late or not.. BUT i have to try.

i have a chance to look things in a very different perspective.. =)

that's supposed to be good, kan?

berkat hikmah mulia Ramadhan nie kot, yg buat hamba hina dina nie realise things.

Alhamdulillah.

hey in the end.. it is just work.... =)

go ahead and make my day... bring it on!

Husna Ripaai yg Bengong!

entah kenapa hari n ie aku rasa macam nak makan orang je..

bengang kan main...

lepas tue aku rasa stupid, silly and dont know what to expect...

rasa mcam nak dissapear je..

kenapa la aku ada ego sebegini tinggi..

kenapa la aku ada perangai pelik nie!

kenapa la aku sayang sgt keja tue??

kenapa la... afer all those nightmare,panic , bomb attack pouring onto me, i still going back there without hesitant...

macam orang kat gaza strip tue, kena bomb banyk kali lari...

aku kena la mcm mana pun, aku duk stay kat situ gak.. bodoh tak aku??

tp.. lain nyer minggu depan nie... semangat yg aku pupuk for one week leps mmg dah mula evaporate.

just because of that one miserable phone call, i'm back to where i was before ~self-defenseless-inferior-stupid newcomer!

i know i should not let those thing accumulate in my mind, but entah lah........

sekali lagi rasa kena crush.. sekali lagi rasa kena pijak2 cmm semut...

masalah ini takkan berlaku kalau Husna Ripaai tidak mempunyai EGO yg tinggi mcm pokok kelapa tue... ia takkan terjadi kalau dgn budak bengong nie, tak der high expectancy of what she is responsible to do...

giler2 tak giler... after that phone call, i rushed from putrajaya with phone at hand and at 130km/hr. speed limit mmg tak pernah wujud dlm kehidupan husna sekarang nie. tak terbilang la saman budak nie nnt. vrooooom.... sampai office, dgn baju kurung nyer aku masuk plan, redah cage tue sorang2 mencari barangan yg diperlukan... mmg dah rasa bahang dah masa tue.. nasib baik sempat. tp. confirm tajuk utama nnt: ada seorang budak mcm org tak betul nak menyediakan reference sample tue.. (it was a silly move!)

but.. let make things clear..

1. aku buat sebab aku dah nampak consequences nyer nnt.. what if bulk tue tak sama mcm reference? tak naya aku?? BUKAN sebab NAK IMPRESS. just to AMMEND~

2. aku call semua orang yg bleh bantu aku buat keputusan nie.. and yes, from my side, i made a right decision.

3. aku buat satu lg keputusan bodoh dengan memberitahu pakcik mukmin sayang tue ttg tindakan aku! satu benda yg aku takkan buat lagi...

4. masalah ini berlaku sebab aku baca email mcm budak darjah 1. terlalu occupied dgn WC sampai aku lupo benda lain yg akan berlaku... and aku mmg TAK tahu prod kena ada ref sample masa mixing... (goblox!)

5. benda ini takkan berlaku lagi.. tolong la husna... take one step at a time please.... supaya ko bleh cover semua benda.

agaknyer.. terkejut beruk pakcik tue dgn tindakan aku. speechless dier.. aku pun sama...

wakaka.. tp Husna Ripaai mmg daring dr dulu lagi...

mmg dah salah aku tak check betul2... dah salah aku lambat tangkap apa yg aku kena buat...

aku mmg tak sabar nak tunggu esok... cepat lah esok habih supaya aku leh berkonvo...

aku suka keja nie, but somehow.. aku dah start jeopardising it.. so plan B start now..

aku kena tanya Mel mcm mana dier nak dapatkan scholar amik MA kat UK tue..

aku mmg tak nak buat lagi MA nie, but somehow kalau orang dah tak nak amik aku.. takkan aku nak melongo tak buat apa2 kot..

mungkin juga cara aku keja nie, is because for the fact that aku hanya 6 bulan kat situ.. so aku nak grab semua opportunity yg ada utk mempelajari bidang yg mmg aku suka... so aku jadi overly-multi-tasking... =P

betul gak kata kawan2 aku... i AM toooooooo into work lately nie.. which is not good.

KONVO pun aku mcm tak peduli sangat (for the fact that it will be on tuesday and petang and my loved ones cannot make it)... tp serious.. kalau korang jumpa apa yg aku jumpa nie, korang juga akan berperangai sebegini.. mungkin tak seganas/sebodoh aku but... u'll see.. =)

biarla.. aku dah tak mampu nak ammend or narrow down the gap between us.. working style yg amat berbeza mmg telah membuat kan aku sgt berbeza. itu pun aku nampak aku sorang je berusaha utk mencari focal point where aku tak rasa weird sgt approaching him or others kat office tue... so.. prinsip aku seterusnya: i'll be more focusing on my learning and my works which i'm truly dedicated to (for now..) rather than trying to find ways to work with people..hehehehe...

aku tak suka di-provoke teruk2 sgt.. kejap lagi aku akan bertukar jadi kasar, arrogance and sarcastic.. this Husna is the one i've been trying to kill for as long as i could remember. mungkin i can combine this double personality and semua org akan jadi happy... masalahnya...

alter-ego Husna sgt tak berhati perut. dier tak amik port pun perasaan orang..

and nampak gayanya... aku dah start nak bertukaq ke arah itu kembali.... NO WAY!

lama kot aku mould Husna yg sekarang nie.. lama kot aku buat research and study on how to blend it with grace and likelihood yg semua org tak kira peringkat umur bleh kerja and selesa dgn aku supaya keja aku senang!

entahlah... rasa keliru gak nie. but.. truly.. i feel so de-motivated. rasa mcm aku tak tahu buat apa pun. rasa mcm nak tido je.. wahai mata, hati mahu menangis tp mengapa engkau menahannya?

mimpi yang bengong..

i was at a hotel attending a conference..

i saw friends..

new and old...

somehow, i am still being chase, to complete my task.

somehow.. i saw the checklist, i need to do next week.

somehow in that hotel they are serving white coffee and kopi tarik..

somehow, the lift in the hotel sounds like the lift in the HOU.

and then, i was driving home..

someone i know by pass me, and i clearly saw his car.

he was driving in to my residential..

and i clearly know why.. i was driving recklessly...

then, i pass thru a sharp corner (which exist in reality)...

and i saw his car bang into a tree..

i stopped.. somebody screaming 'get help..get help'...

i was the first one to his car, i open the door, calling out his name..

and he said 'i'm going to release you......'

~i woke up, with heavy breath.. gasping for air...

i reached for my phone, to wish 'have a safe trip'..

and then i realised....

'hey, u are not a friend'........

i put down my phone and seriously, now.... i am just plain nuts!

pra-monolog..

hari itu bermula macam biasa.. pukul 6.45, kereta biru itu sudah memecut meninggalkan perkarangan. kenapa awal sangat, soalan biasa dr ibu.. jawapan normal juga diberikan...

nak elak jammed...

tapi hari itu, ada sedikit luar biasa juga..

jantung berdegup kencang...

entah kenapa ada je org rasa aku akan screw up sooner or later..

am i going to???

entahlah..

aku berharap taufiq dan hidayah dariNYA..

tiada daya kita tanpa kuasaNYA...

DIA akan tunjukkan jalan cerah di hadapan..

sekiranya kita berusaha untuk melalui jalan itu..

tawakal je lah una ooooi.... u can do it!~ yes you can!

pada sapa patut aku luahkan...

giler la....

dr smlm hati aku nie meruntun sedih..

abg sayang aku pun tak larat nak layan dah..

aku asyik bebel benda yg sama...

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

kenapa susah sangat aku nak let go nie..

kenapa payah sgt aku nak terima hakikat yg 'aku bukan hidup/kerja sendirian lagi nie!'

aku boleh terima kritikan.. tp kritikan itu berjaya bunuh aku daaaa...

dan yang lebih pelik..

semakin complicated benda tue, semakin membuak2 rasa nak tahu aku...

semakin mencabar challenge yg diberikan, semakin eager aku nak menghadapinyer..

sampai satu tahap, aku tahu kepala and badan aku tak leh nak terima dah! ish ish ish.

muahohoho.. and korang nak tahu yg bertambah weird nyer???

aku dah head over heal dgn apa yg sedang aku lakukan..

sampaikan ahad pun aku rasa lambat sgt berlalu... siap doa.. cepat lah isnin, cepatlah isnin... yg menariknya.. bnyk benda yg aku akan perolehi.

bnyk benda yg aku tahu aku akan gemari..

plant tue dah jadi mcm playground aku.. tiap kali aku masuk je ke dalam plant, aku jumpa my work-space.. my solitude... walhal bising dier bleh pecah gegendang telinga... tiap2 pagi aroma kopi yg fresh menusuk kalbu, membuatkan aku tambah kejang utk berada di situ.. =) TUHAN je yg tahu betapa aku berharap utk jadi permenant kat situ..

tapi...

kenapa susah sangat untuk aku hadapi homo sapiens nie...

kenapa aku jadi inferior tak tentu pasal.. somehow.. along the way, for the last one month, aku berubah menjadi somebody yg aku sendiri tak kenal...

pandang cermin nampak bridget jones, pandang cermin nampak jim carrey dlm me, myself and irene tue...

aku berjaya create HUSNA yg aku tak suka semata2 aku kena jaga hati orang..

aku berjaya merundumkan paras keyakinan aku, ke tahap yang paling rendah mcm BSKL masa gawat dulu...

aku berjaya merosakkan that fun-loving me, which will find it easier to interact with people... i flushed down my ego for the sake of the thing i love doing..

at the end of the day, i asked me back..

was it worth it? really.. your plan of becoming someone u dont even recognize will it work? does it help u improve somehow? does it does it?

nak kata PMS, dah nak hujung2 dah...

but one thing for sure... kritikan tak berasas tue kadang2 sangat boleh membunuh..

so lepas nie, muka aku akan jadi slumb je, with no other emotion to be potrayed. nanti org kata aku rude plak..

i've tried to be as plain-as transparent as i could, but somehow that doesnt work....

u lose it boy...

the more barricade you put around me, the harder for you to get to know me...

that's for sure... sorry la.. my barricade is even higher and tougher...