ordeal..`

am not sure what to write anymore..
whether the feelings should be poured out here..
also i dont know..

the feeling of suddenly knowing that you are the culprit.
that have hurts most of the people you've love.
couldnt be any tougher to go thru..

life apparently has been really challenging..
the thoughts of injustice and how hurtful your heart is.. really has made my day turns gloomy and blue. oh yeah. like this afternoon..

why? i may ask.. how come those words have really eaten me alive?
how come.. if it's true, how come i didnt realise it sooner...
how come things got really complicated?
how come, INCIDENTS like this happened in every 2-3 years?
why?

Astaghfirullah.. Husna.. you are talking like a person with no faith nor religion. you have the ultimate guidance, sebaik-baik pelindung, sebaik-baik tempat mengadu..
mengadu la PADA DIA.. sesungguhnya apa yang terjadi ini adalah cara atau kifarah untuk menggugur kan dosa2 ko.. ingat kan??

thought of writing more.. lengthy than this.. but.. the mood is like on off on off..
so.. i will jotted down one last phrase to keep reminding myself about it!!!

verily, with every difficulty, there is relief

ALLAH repeated twice in the same surah.. must have meant something...

giving in... literally..

it's 2:36am. and i'm still wide awake.. eyes wide open.. and brain still functioning (tho i'm not sure how well it is spinning!)

a lot of things.. i would like to pour out of my chest and hoping that tomorrow i wake up with a fresher-no-problems/issues transpired in my head.. at times i do longing for a amnesia syndrome so that i can forget everything that ever happened. or like a switch where i can practically switch on or off button or just change the synaptic cord whenever my mind bewildered to remember all those nasty, tragic stuffs that had happened especially for the last few weeks..

but.. the thing is.. i regret the most.. i'm not a Good Muslim.. and frankly.. i didnt work things out to make me a better Muslim. instead, i'm jotting this frustration and anger down on this pad.. should i be on the sejadah or something???

then.. come me as a person! i've changed.. totally 180 degree.. to become a person i never knew i am able to become.. like:
1. i stopped doing house chores once i know my bro and sis are at home.
2. i become soooo negative e.g: everything that i touched end up turning into craps!
3. i swears alot lately..
4. i lost half of the optimistic feeling of mine.. (thanks GOD i can be over-optimist, so at least i still have a good half of it!)
5. i stopped care... almost about everything...
6. i made reasons .. way too many reasons... most of the time..
7. i become so uncertain on what ever decision that i'm taking..
8. i stopped thinking clearly..
9. Self-hatred are sooooo common nowadays..
10. Losing focus.. and this has almost kill me...

then.. my body start to react negatively.. started to work against the nature of things. and started to rebel against my own actions (sound wacko! yeap!)...
i know the symptoms are there already.. but how can i stop? i cant! not at the moment and at the point of time, where i've created a lot of craps already...
lucky i didnt straight away black-out.. what happened was crazy!
need to remind myself that:
1. table-top are not a very steady options for you to rely on, when you are trying to focus on what people are asking you.
2. you can hear a lot of noises .. altho people are throwing crucial questions about your stuffs! and u need to dance thru the waltz..
3. U can be good at acting.. by trying not to fall..
4. you cannot sit on the floor of a QA place
5. make sure.. when it's time to lie down, u lie down..
6. Always remember.. if you started to feel uneasy and suddenly your body is shivering like mad! it means that u are having a fever!
7. Have guts to call for help, especially to call home FOR HELP!
8. u cannot pull the hand-pallet on your own back and forth..
9. take a deep breath when you started feeling a tight sense on your chest!
10. AND... IF YOU ARE MAD ENOUGH TO DRIVE UNDER SOME OF THE SYMPTOMS YOU ARE EXPERIENCING.. YOU ARE GOING TO BE A MURDERER!

yeap.. 2011 is coming. and this incoming of a new year.. are not in a very comforting way. one after another trials come.. and you started to experience and coping on how to loss your love ones.. be it a long-lost cousin that you are so determine to help and you just found them back after almost 10 years of losing them..
or when you received the news of your grandpa, your only grandfather that you have known might be laying on his deathbed..

then.. u start wondering...
1. How come my body give in so much..
2. How come my mind also give up and started to become malfunction as well...
3. How come... all this while you never realise it..
4. How come.. you are not the same person who wrote the notes more that a year ago, saying 'when people pushed me into the ravine, i will be and can climb back up the side of it, and stand tall'

and you wonder:

5. Is this what you want...

i am losing lot of people recently.. being a mentor, a friend.. started to create some uneasiness in the profesional relationship.. hmmmph.. whining? pretty much..

i know.. there's a lot of words.. words of wisdom.. motivational quotes that i would like to jotted it down on this pad also.. and i know for sure.. i can write a lot more to counter attack what i've just written as per above.. and i bet i know what to do already for now..
it's just.. i'm too cautious to make another mistake again.. i'm too scared to face the reality.. cause reality do bite...

awak tahu....

awak tahu...
bila saya dgr lagu-lagu meruntun hati nie, cepat sangat hati saya melayang2..
menjelma diingatan bila mana saya menarik bag, di tengah2 KLIA yg sunyi.. depan departure gate..
i'll be walking alone and on my own, with the boarding pass in my hand..
and waiting for the announcement to be heard from the surround system of speakers around the area..
it has ALWAYS been a dream to just pack and go..
to just leave everything behind..
something inside of me just dying to go and run far far far away..
just to see the world, before it's too late..
just to see how's the other side looks like..

nothing more that i can say..
yes.. i'm broken and hopelessly helpless..
those words are like a poison dagger that manage to leave an unhealed bruise thru my heart.. works like a curse encrypting my veins and cords..
am i really cant get myself back up?

i am totally in denial if i kept saying that i'm ok, altho for the fact is.. i am not.
i truly love what i am doing.. but then again why is it so hard to at least accomplish? let alone .. excel in it..
where has the drivers, motivation, the energy, the chi, the yin yang of things have gone? where is it? really i wonder.. it's been a month..
not that i'm NOT trying to gather all the strength back, not that i'm not trying to get back up.. but after all that happened i cant seems to go for it anymore..
i cant seems to climb back the sloppy ravine that i've been pushed into..
it's all my fault..
i cant blame anyone else..

i just want to smile again.. sincerely..
i just want to let myself know that i can manage it!
i just want to excel in whatever that i am doing..
entahlah.. i know for the fact that i am nobody...

the only thing left is ... this optimistic feeling of mine..

i just want to fly off...

i've learnt that... the hard way..

why is it so hard for this little heart of mine, to just leave it as it is..
why is it so hard for me to just drop it and make the best out of it..
the harder i try not to make reason for it, the more i've being pushed into making it.
the more i felt i'm reaching the vertical limit..
the more i've being pulled down by an indescribable forces..
the more i try to let go, the more attached i am to it..

i hate this feeling.. i hate myself for this..
i know that now, that it IS YOU who decide on what we are going to do..
i know that i can surrender at times, and will try further to make amendment in terms of that. but why is it so hard, just to give in for a chance.
why i think like crazy and then we went like crazy for another issues that made a maniac out of me..

i remember i used to find a reason to just rise back..
i remember i overcome even the most devastating time of one life.
this is very minor.. why is it sooooo hard..

maybe it's because of the past sin i've done..
GOD, FORGIVE ME..

i couldnt think anymore.. i was at the weakest point..
the thing that is so simple, and i've manage to make it a bit hard in terms of that.
the thing i hate the most, is the thing i love the most..

i never am a quitter, that's for sure..

it's just at the very vulnerable moment.. i felt like a total failure.. =(

sometimes in life u just have to think.. think hard until your head explode...

hehehe..

sometimes it will just take a while for your heart to subside and be merry with whatever things that may come upon you..

trying so hard even if it's not for the good of yourself..

hati ini sedang merindui... pada siapa? biarla rahsia...

kamu jauh dan semakin jauh... biarpun tiada beda terserlah di mata ini...

why ? oh Why? entri emo ini menjadi tanda tanya..

ada ke patut? merindu? tak patut.. pi la jumpa.. kecoh plak minah nie!

tp masa yg tak der..

patut kah ini diluahkan.. betapa rindu nya saya pada mu..

tema dua 3 hari nie: SAYA MAHU HOLIDAY.. giler sgt nak bercuti. sampai keja menimbun kat ofis nie pun looks like a mere laughter to me. its' ok.. there's a training half a day.. no need to worry no more.

i miss him...

certain things...

i've no idea why..

the news come to me like a wind hollow thru the nite..

when i heard the news, nothing struck in my mind..

no feeling at all..

no gestures what so ever..

but now.. every possibilities come struck in front of my eyes.

the trauma around 15 years ago.. that feeling comes back without any invites..

u just wished that things could happen so rapidly, that you lose sight of it that will make u not bother about it at all..

not now.. the time is just sooo not right.. not now.. at the moment where i felt like my world is almost collapsing down..

where i felt like i have no other way to move..

at times, where i am at the bottom of the hollowest pit of all..

all my worries has been confirmed in a very beautiful manner.. the thing i love the most is actually killing me bits by bits every single day..

i couldnt do it.. something that is sooo hard for me to admit..

i really cant do it.. no matter how hard i tried.. there's always possibilities that i end up jeopardising the whole things, making people hate me so much.. why? i just cant figure out.

the only person who didnt realised something bad will happen is ME.. everybody knows i'm in a deep s**t, but does this come into a reality check for me? no.. nada.. nothing at all...

now with this news.. i cant seems to stay strong as before.. i cant seems to stand tall and endured those kinda hardship like before... why does this negatives thinking kept lingering in my mind???

i am in denial.. trying to segregate personal life and professionalism.. yeah right! who are you kidding?

maybe it's true.. i might as well give up for the sake of others..

dilemma? u are supposed to go back to HIM... DIA takkan lemparkan ujian yang tak mampu ditanggung hambaNYA, dan tidak pada hamba yang tidak disayangiNYA.....

memang budak nie dah rosak..

what did i do on a 2-days public holiday?? nothing...

hidup terasa lonely yang amat..

since when did i let myself be so miserable like this?

i have no idea..

daripada tak buat apa mcm nie.. adalah lebih baik kalau ke office..

tp.. tidak.. saya masih merapu di rumah dengan sebemban baju yg hendak dilipat..

tp.. dalam kebosanan ini, saya rasa lega.. for the first time in long period of time..

saya dapat rehat yg secukupnya.

of course, dah menggelegak kepala saya pikir psal kerja.. tp hari nie.. saya jadi tak kisah..

saya pun tak tahu kenapa..

all i wanna do is sleep and bertafakur.. saya makan apa yg saya nak makan..

saya tgk tv dengan penuh gembiranya..

i know my life would be a disastrous one this coming wednesday...

tp itulah saya tgh cuba memperbetulkan keadaan.

saya banyak dosa.. sometimes i feel that i'm so far away from THE ONLY ONE. selalu terlupa akan nikmat yg telah diberikan... selalu rasa kekurangan..

jgan Husna, bersyukur la, kerana apa yg kau ada ada LEBIH BANYAK YG AMAT SANGAT dr kebanyakan manusia di muka bumi ini..

alhamdulillah...